Dr Katie Kjelsaas on Self-Care in Relationships: Nurturing Your Connection Through Emotionally Focused Therapy

When we think about self-care, it’s often framed in terms of personal maintenance: eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep; or personal indulgence: spa retreats, massages, a second slice of cake…

But what about self-care in relationships? Can we care for ourselves while also caring for the relational bonds we have with others? The answer is yes—and this kind of self-care is essential for healthy, lasting connections.

In this article, we’ll explore how self-care in relationships works, drawing on two powerful concepts: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment theory. These tools can help us understand our emotional needs and how to respond to those needs in ways that strengthen our connections with partners, friends and family members. Ready to dive in? Let’s go!

What Is Self-Care in Relationships?

When you think about self-care, what comes to mind? Perhaps it’s regular exercise, a quiet moment with a cup of tea, a walk outside, or some time spent journaling. In relationships, self-care is just as important—but it looks a little different.

Self-care in relationships means balancing your emotional well-being & needs with awareness and attention to the emotional well-being and needs of those you’re close to. It’s about seeking to create a harmonious interplay between taking care of yourself and nurturing your connections. Relationships thrive when all people involved feel seen, loved and valued. So, self-care in relationships isn’t just about personal time away for self-nurturance —it’s about emotional regulation, healthy communication, and mutual support. Relational self-care means attending to the bonds within and between: nurturing your relationship with yourself (and encouraging your partner to nurture their self-relationship) as well as nurturing the bond between you.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Building Stronger Emotional Bonds

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an evidence-based therapy for individuals, couples and families that helps people understand and improve their connections with each other. It does this by supporting people to understand, organise and share the core emotions and needs that drive their behaviours.

When we feel emotionally connected and secure with someone (safe, loved and valued) we’re more likely to show up for them, communicate openly, and support them through tough times. But when we feel emotionally distant, disconnected or unsafe, we might struggle to reach out for support or may react in ways that – unintentionally – push our loved ones away.

EFT encourages people in relationships to tune into their own – and the other person’s – emotions without judgment. It teaches people how to express vulnerability and respond with loving curiosity or empathy. This kind of communication can repair ruptures and deepen connection.

So, how does this relate to self-care? One of the most important aspects of self-care in a relationship is creating space and safety to express your feelings and be heard, as well as hear your partner. EFT provides tools for understanding and organising your emotions and communicating in a way that fosters understanding, rather than defensiveness or withdrawal. When both partners feel safe to express themselves emotionally, they can care for their bond in meaningful ways.

Attachment Theory: Understanding Your Emotional Needs

Another concept that can transform self-care in relationships is attachment theory. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory explores how our early relationships—particularly with our primary caregivers—shaped the way we form bonds throughout life.

The theory identifies four main attachment styles:

1. Secure attachment: People with this attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to depend on others while also being independent. They tend to have healthy, balanced relationships.
2. Anxious attachment: People with anxious attachment styles often worry about their partner’s availability and may seek constant reassurance. They may struggle with feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment or rejection.
3. Avoidant attachment: Those with avoidant attachment styles often struggle with intimacy and may pull away when things get too close. They value independence and may resist relying on others, for fear of being hurt or disappointed.
4. Disorganized attachment: This style often stems from early experiences of trauma. People with this attachment style may have difficulty trusting others, and their relationships can be chaotic or unpredictable.

Knowing your attachment style—and that of your partner—can be incredibly helpful when practicing self-care in a relationship. Why? Because your attachment style influences how you respond to emotional closeness, conflict, and support. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself needing more reassurance from your partner during stressful times. On the other hand, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might instinctively pull away when things get intense.

Understanding these patterns allows you to take responsibility for your own emotional needs. If you’re someone who tends to withdraw during conflict (like someone with an avoidant attachment), practicing self-care might mean consciously choosing to stay engaged in tough conversations instead of shutting down. If you’re anxious, it might look like learning to self-soothe and finding ways to communicate your need for reassurance without overwhelming your partner.

Practicing Self-Care in Your Relationship

Now that we’ve explored EFT and attachment theory, how can you actually practice self-care in your relationship? Here are a few simple but powerful tips:

1. Tune into your emotions

Before responding to your partner or making decisions in the relationship – especially in times of stress, take a moment to check in with yourself. How are you really feeling? If you are feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, these 3 questions may help you slow down and organise your emotional experience before you take the next step:

1. What triggered this? Taking time to identify the moment in which you first felt stressed and identifying what happened just before can help you better understand yourself and your needs. The trigger might be different every time: it could be something your partner said, their body language or tone of voice, or even something external to you both.
2. What do I feel inside? Try to catch your first gut feeling here. These feelings can be fleeting, but if you slow down and pay attention you may notice something quite important going on emotionally: perhaps you feel fear, sadness or even anger.
3. What do I want to do? Here we’re interested in your behavioural instinct. You may not actually do it, but what’s the thing you instinctively want to do when you have this experience? Leave the room? Defend yourself? Put your fingers in your ears? What does this tell you about what you’re experiencing in this moment?

Practicing emotional awareness helps you respond from a place of clarity, rather than reacting impulsively or defensively.

2. Communicate openly and honestly

Open communication is at the heart of EFT and healthy relationships. Once you’ve answered the three questions above for yourself, and if it feels safe to do so, practice sharing your observations about your feelings with your partner in a clear, respectful way. If you become aware in that moment that you need something from your partner—whether it’s a hug, reassurance, or some space to regroup—express it simply, softly and slowly. It’s okay to be vulnerable, and it can deepen your connection.

3. Take responsibility for your emotions

Instead of blaming your partner for your feelings, try taking ownership of them. For example, instead of saying, “You’re never here when I need you,” try, “I’m feeling lonely right now. I need a hug from you.” This shift helps foster understanding rather than defensiveness.

4. Practice self-soothing

If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or upset, practice self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, taking a walk, or journaling. Give yourself time to organise your emotional experience internally before you try to share it. Self-soothing can help you calm your mind and prevent knee-jerk reactions that might hurt the relationship.

5. Set boundaries and balance attention to your own needs

Relational self-care isn’t just about nurturing the bond with your partner; it’s also about nurturing yourself, which sometimes involves setting boundaries. Know when to say no, and when you need time for yourself to recharge. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so take the time you need to fill yourself up. Doing this ensures you’re able to show up as your best self for all of the people with whom you relate.

Final Thoughts: Are You Caring for Your Relationship?

Self-care in relationships isn’t just about focusing on your own needs—it’s about creating a balanced, healthy dynamic where both people feel safe and loved and valued. By applying tools from EFT and attachment theory, you can improve your emotional awareness, enhance communication, and nurture your emotional connection with others.

What’s one small step you can take today to care for your relationship—whether that’s practicing personal emotional awareness; communicating your experience and needs simply, softly and slowly; or simply being present with your partner?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

By Dr Katie Kjelsaas 

Dr Katie Kjelsaas is a clinical psychologist with a passion for improving connections. She provides relationship therapy; consults to businesses and mentors and trains other mental health professionals. looking to enhance communication and collaboration in teams and partnerships. As a person of faith, Katie is able to work with ministers, pastors or lay people who wish to explore spiritual issues or themes.

Katie has completed a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology at the University of Queensland. She is the recipient of the University Medal, APS Prize, McBride Psychology Prize and Tian P.S. Oei Clinical Research Prize for her academic and research work.

Her published research has examined gender stereotypes, social skills, occupational burnout and the impact of online social networking on mental health. Her clinical interest areas include supporting relationship adjustment during transition points (e.g. marriage, parenthood, career change, retirement); dynamics of sexual desire; self-efficacy, self-actualisation and post-traumatic growth.

To learn more about Katie and her practice, visit connectionscount.com.au

Katie would love to connect with you! #connectionscount